


Gul Dukat is a Boob Man

by the_last_dillards



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Body-related humor?? kinda??, Crack, Cultural Differences, Discussion of biological differences, Discussion of fetishes and porn, Established Relationship, Lots of talk about breasts and breastmilk, M/M, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-10 17:15:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19909327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_last_dillards/pseuds/the_last_dillards
Summary: A lunchtime discussion between Doctor Bashir and Mister Garak leads to some surprising (and disturbing) revelations.





	Gul Dukat is a Boob Man

**Author's Note:**

> Dunno what to tell you other than that this is perhaps a bit of a weird one. Also a bit cracky

“Doctor, I still fail to understand how feeding one’s child substances produced by the parent’s body is not a form of cannibalism.”

Garak had paused his savoring of his stew to look over at Keiko who was currently feeding Kirayoshi in the far corner of the replimat. 

Julian sighed and set down his fork. A thankful pause for his poor war-torn milaberry salad. “Garak, we’ve had this conversation before. Milk isn’t a part of the body. It’s not alive. It’s a product of it, evolutionarily designed to feed for human infants.” 

“Ah, but if we follow your logic, then what of semen? It’s composed in part by living cells. Therefore ingesting sperm from your own species would in fact be cannibalism. Luckily, we Cardassians don’t participate in such activities between each other. If rumor is to be believed however, you yourself cannot claim such innocence.”

Julian rolled his eyes and ignored the comment. “They’re living cells, yes, but they’re not exactly a human being if they only have half the chromosomes. And attitudes towards cannibalism are cultural anyways. Neither of us may desire to engage in it but it’s perfectly normal in some places.”

“You know, that does bring me to another point. What about the placenta? I heard Worf inquiring to the Chief whether he, Mrs O’Brien, and possibly Major Kira intended to eat it like they did little Molly’s. Is that truly a practice your species partakes in? And how could you possibly claim that is not cannibalism.”

“Well, now actually that is interesting. Because genetically, the placenta is composed of the child’s DNA so it is technically cannibalism. However, it’s a noted practice in most mammals and while many livebearing sentients have given it up, many humans do continue to eat it as tradition. So I’ll give you that one.” 

Julian was about to take another bite of his meal before his eyes brightened with information to share. “Actually, speaking of cannibalism and milk, did you know that some spiders feed their young a milk-like substance produced by their body? It’s believed to be composed in part by unfertilized eggs. Some frogs also do something similar where the mothers return every so often to lay unfertilized eggs for the tadpoles to eat. They’ll even swim up to her and nudge the cloacal lips to stimulate egg release.”

“My dear, I only know what one of those things are. And must you speak of such grotesque topics while we eat?”

Julian gaped a little at him, clearly offended. “Well, you brought it up!”

Garak flicked his hand a little as if the wave it away. “Well, regardless, someone ought to warn Mrs O’Brien to avoid feeding her child publicly when Gul Dukat arrives next week.”

“Why shouldn’t she breastfeed Yoshi around Dukat?”

“Based on my admittedly limited experience with the man, I don’t particularly think the Chief would be too open to sharing his bed with a Cardassian Gul.”

“But Dukat has hit on literally everyone on the station at sometime or another. He was acting all weird and growly around _Worf_ the last time he was here.”

“While that may be true, I wouldn’t want Mrs O’Brien to endure Dukat’s undivided attention for the duration of his stay and such a sight may put her on his radar, to use the Human phrase.”

Julian appeared hard in thought, as if he was wading through thick mud trying to figure out the answer. “Are you telling me Dukat has a thing for, um, ah, boobs?”

“It is unfortunately, more common than one might think among Cardassians. There is a tendency among them to fixate on mammalian breasts and nipples sexually.”

“But...why? They’re only a secondary sexual characteristic, and I mean Cardassian women usually seem to have,” Julian made an awkward cupping gesture with each hand as if trying to convey his meaning through some sort of sign language. “...bosoms. Why not their own?”

“Cardassians don’t have breasts.”

“But what about those three scientists that came on station a couple years back? They _all_ had, um, breasts.”

“Those...are not breasts, doctor. I’m surprised. You knew our species did not produce milk or anything like it but thought our females still had breasts? Why? What purpose would that serve? And if we did, would I not have vestigial nipples like you?”

“Well, I don’t know! I’ve never examined any Cardassians outside of you before. What are they then?”

“Air sacs of course.”

“Air sacs.”

“For mating displays.”

“There’s no way. You’ve got to be pulling my leg. What about Gilora Rijal? She thought Miles was trying to get with her and she was trying to flirt back with him but she never made any kind of mating display.”

“Well, it’s not something one does in public or in small spaces. Perhaps she never had the chance.”

“Alright, wait. So you’re telling me that Cardassians have a tit fetish and that Cardassian women tend to have inflatable sacs on their chest.”

“To put it crudely, yes.”

“...What does the mating display look like?”

“I myself do not have this particular ability and most of my knowledge comes from my primary schooling, so don’t take my word as an authority. I’ll try to describe it to you the best I can. It begins with taking a large inhale.”

Garak took a large breath and held it as he spoke as if to demonstrate. “Upon the exhale, air is consciously redirected through a tightening of muscles into the pouches which inflate.”

He exhaled and continued, “The skin between the scales becomes stretched and is a very nice, vibrant blue color. I’ve been trying to find fabric in the right shade as it’s traditional to wear the color when one is attempting to court a mate.” Julian began eyeing the blue accents on the tailor’s current outfit with suspicion.

“Anyways, at the height of inflation, each sac is usually about the size of one of your water fruits.”

“Water fruits?”

“The one that you made a point of mocking my outfit for having a similar color scheme to.”

“You mean watermelon.”

“Yes, well, to continue. Displays may be held for up to half an hour. In more primitive times, the bigger the inflated sac, the brighter the colors presented, and the longer the hold, the more dominant and desirable one would be considered.”

Julian burst into a smile and a laugh. “Oh my gods, can you imagine what Miles would’ve thought if she had done that. He would’ve freaked!” He calmed himself a bit and asked with an eager grin, “So they display and then what?”

“Really, my dear! Such conversations are best held somewhere more private don’t you think?”

“Come on, Garak. We both know if I don’t ask now, you’ll find a way to avoid my questions forever. Just think of what I could do with all this extra knowledge on _Cardassian mating practices._ ” Julian gave a flirtatious wink and wiggle of his body.

Garak sighed, knowing he’d regret this conversation. “Well, it depends on the couple and the situation just like with any other species. It does imply a more immediate desire for sex but it can be used to convey a general interest in an individual as well. Such questions! You do know what they say your Federation’s _‘Where no man has gone before’_ speech is really all about.” 

“Like those ideals haven’t benefited you personally. Still, I don’t understand why Dukat and others would be so into boobs.”

“Frankly, I think it makes more sense than your species’ fascination with tentacles.”

“Now hold on! First of all, do not judge it till you try it. Second of all, how do you even know about that?”

“Well, admittedly prior to our own acquaintance, I had no experience with any species as foreign as your own. Cardassians, Gorn, Saurians, but nothing quite so exotic. I took it upon myself to perform some research so that I might be ready should I, as you would say, ‘get lucky’.”

“And your research included tentacle porn?”

“Well, the problem is there’s just so much material available for your species. It was impossible to know what to expect so I wanted to be prepared for any scenario. And what _is_ your kind’s preoccupation with tentacle penetration? You are not avoiding that question, my dear.”

“I don’t know...It’s just hot okay? Most people say it started a few centuries ago when there were some censorship laws restricting normal porn and so people replaced the penises with tentacles and it just stuck. And really, that just goes to show you censorship by the state doesn’t work because people will always find a way around it.” He gave Garak a pointed look, then continued. 

“But, anyways, it’s just something really different and new from yourself, I guess. There’s always new things to try. I dated a Krakenite for a few months during my residency program, you know.”

Garak gave a faux sigh. “Must everything be a phallus or substitute phallus with you people?”

“You seem to enjoy my phallus well enough.”

“Yes, but I don’t obsess over such things to the point of pretending anything that’s vaguely cylindrical is one and attempting to copulate with it. It’s no wonder humans have a reputation.”

“Yeah, well, maybe. But you still haven’t told me what’s so special about breasts. _You_ keep avoiding the question. Don’t tell me you’re into that? Oh gods. Is that why you sleep with me?” 

Julian looked genuinely concerned here and Garak moved quickly to rectify the situation. 

“While I agree with the general consensus of my kind that Humans are highly desirable sexually, I don’t find that specific part of the body any more alluring than the rest. Personally, I think that very conveniently placed gland you have is very intriguing. It does open many possibilities.”

“Stick to the original question.”

“I’m just trying to communicate with you, my dear, that were I Starfleet, I would have never let you leave the homeworld. A man with your looks would be put to much better use in Federation propaganda. Why, if I had seen a poster of you hanging across from my shop, I might have considered leaving this dreary place behind to attend Starfleet Academy!”

“Mhm, really?”

“I would swear it on my life. You are truly quite dazzling, my dear.”

“Well, I don’t know what Cardassian _‘Join the Obsidian Order!’_ type posters are like but Academy recruitment images are usually action shots of cadets learning or doing extracurriculars. Otherwise, they’re group shots of diverse individuals smiling and pretending they’re having a good time. Not very sexy.”

“Your mere image fills me with a burning lust. Does that satisfy you?”

Julian choked a little on his current bite of salad. “Whatever you say, Garak. But I believe I must insist you..Answer..That..Question.”

Garak sighed dramatically. “Well, I suppose if you _must_ know. It can all be traced back to a very specific poet a couple hundred years back. Cernun wrote about the feeding of one’s own child from the body, that is breast milk, as a symbol of true devotion to the family and state. A physical manifestation of sacrificing yourself to something greater than you. It just so happens that Cernun’s works were also of a very sexual nature.”

Julian shook his head. “Of course it all would lead back to sacrificing yourself for the state. Next you’re going to tell me there’s a genre of Cardassian porn out there all about fucking for the good of the state. _‘The Cardassian Union made them do it’_ I’ll bet it’s called.”

Garak gave him a surprised look. “I didn’t realize your tastes would be so classical. I can loan you some of my favorites if you’d like.”

Julian looked at his face carefully to see if he was screwing with him or not. He couldn’t tell. Best to play it safe. “I think I’ll pass on that for now.”

They both started on their meals again and Julian tried to think through their conversation so far. He munched through a mouthful of salad as he said, “So to summarize, despite the fact that Cardassians are completely xenophobic, they’ve developed a sexual gaze towards mammaries which they _do not_ have, and it’s all because a while back some guy wrote sexy poetry about feeding infants as being analogous to feeding the state?”

“You almost have a complete understanding but I’m afraid you’re missing one important aspect. To put it lightly, Dukat preferred his Bajoran women pregnant.”

“Why- Wait. What. What?! Nooo!” Julian looked as if his mind had just broken a little. A half chewed piece of lettuce fell out of his mouth and into his bowl. “What the actual hell. Dukat?? He’s into breast milk?”

“The reason Cardassians are attracted to breasts isn’t so much their looks as much as their use. Family and childbearing has always been a very attractive concept to my people.”

“I don’t even know what to say to that. And you’re saying that’s not just Dukat? That’s a common enough thing among Cardassians?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“My gods, do I feel sorry for the Bajorans. Wow. Talk about leeches.”

Garak made a disturbed face at him. Julian didn’t really get why. The tailor already knew all this clearly. He wasn’t the one having a brain hemorrhage over these revelations.

Julian folded his hands and sat thinking for a while, not touching his salad anymore. Garak finished his own meal and motioned towards Julian’s to see if he was going to eat it. The doctor shook his head no and Garak, being raised to let no food (even poorly replicated) go to waste, began working on it.

Eventually, Julian opened his mouth once more. “One more question. Is the whole thing with the mating displays and the thoracic air sacs why Dukat is always going for strong women who don’t want him? It’s some sort of biological thing that he wants the ‘dominant female’ or whatever?”

“No, I believe that would have more to do with his mother.”

“...His mother.”

“He does take after her quite a bit. A very ambitious woman. She was quite the Glinn in her military days, I’ve heard. Once she fell pregnant, she was forced to resign and return home. She never did fully forgive her husband or child for that. I suspect he bears some issues regarding motherly affection.”

“He has an Oedipus complex?” Julian’s eyebrows knitted together and his face stretched into a nauseated look.

“Well, he didn’t kill his father or enjoin with his mother like in that horrid story. In fact, I hear he’s still quite incensed at whomever did cause the death of his father.”

“An Oedipus complex is just where someone is attracted to their mother or motherlike figures and is often accompanied by jealousy and dislike of father figures. Though, I suppose not in Dukat’s case.”

“Oh, well in that case, yes. He is seeking women that remind him of his mother.”

Julian looked positively ill.

“Garak, no offense, but I think I’m going to spend the rest of the afternoon lying down for a bit. I enjoy our conversations but this all has been a bit much. And don’t worry, I’ll make a point to warn Keiko during Yoshi’s weekly appointment.”

“Very well, my dear. Can I still expect your visit tonight?”

“Probably. I’ll comm you if I’m not feeling up to it.” 

With that Julian stood on uneasy legs and began staggering away. Shrugging, Garak turned on his padd and flipped through book options until he came to his newest acquisition, straight from Cardassia Prime, and opened to where he had left off. 

Chapter Three: Country, Capture, and Coitus

_I was awakened from my slumber as one of the roguish apes pulled me to my feet. He stared at my neckridges appreciatively as I oriented myself. I was a fine specimen of Cardassian breeding, and no doubt he was jealous that his own neck, though very well-muscled, was lacking in the adornments of higher species._

_He was dressed in a standard Federaji jumpsuit. It was blue-shouldered for security, tightly fitted, and impractical for any use other than seduction, as was the Federaji way. His breasts and buttocks were firmly rounded and I could make out the tiny peaks of his nipples pressing out for release against the restraining fabric._

_I, Glinn S’sarlot, a good and pure-hearted man, had devoted my heart and body to the state. But I knew what the state called upon me to do. And for her, I would surrender myself to this animal’s carnal desires._

_The brutish human looked at me with smouldering eyes and said…..._

**Author's Note:**

> The idea of Cardassians fetishizing other species is from the ConceptaDecency classic [How We Land There](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15723543). There was also a post on tumblr which I cannot currently find that inspired the bit about Garak looking for human porn. It was about him looking it up and being bombarded with way too much information and not able to figure out what's true/accurate and what's not. My tumblr can be found at [the-last-dillards](https://the-last-dillards.tumblr.com/).
> 
> This story was edited 09/10/2019. Fixed grammar/spelling, rearranged a few sentences, added an endnote.
> 
> 01/13/2020: [Found a relevant gif ;)](https://66.media.tumblr.com/059c15f36517b8dfe21a114804a509a3/1eaa9b192deb9253-a3/s500x750/fc2cb114f9c2f1783c749ce95225ef6ffc8ed610.gif)  
> Also, a notice that there is a sequel involving the ongoing adventures of Glinn S'sarlot on the way sometime in the future. Whenever that is.   
> For anyone who has expressed interest in a fic where Garak writes a story about him and Julian getting together, some fics with similar premises are listed below for your perusal:  
> [Service to the State by boldlygowherenodoghasgonebefore](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14413713)  
> [The Rose of Terok Nor by Cicak](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19336567)


End file.
